131220 原来我怕黑

凌晨2点22分，一个人的存在，一个人呼吸，一个人互动，今晚特别不舒服、特别怕黑，爱胡思乱想，特别睡不着

我以为我可以不需要任何人了

我以为我可以就这样关灯一个人睡

我以为我可以暂时开始不想家

我以为我可以克服害怕

他们说 我是一个知道自己要什么的人

可是其实我不知道

他们说 我是一个强悍的女生 我也觉得自己可以强悍起来  可是到了一个人的夜晚 我才知道自己一点都不强

这样的时刻 很孤单 很情绪化

我想找人 可是该找谁

今时不同往日 现在的我 精神上也是一个人

131213

12月的奇迹

差不多是暮然回首的时候了，凌晨2点，躺在宿舍床上，很舒服，室友凯妮还在奋斗，天，也太拼了吧

好多话想说，真的，感言太多了

说说今天吧，星期四，这里应该开心的即将周末.

在前一点。嗯，艺颖馨喜。大日子耶我居然忘了说

真的难忘，我负责开场的爱情舞蹈和主题曲的键盘手，自己这样在2千多人前弹着自己写的曲子，我来不及感动。很美，哈哈。活动结束大家都很空虚，一时不适应。

这个学期差不多快结束了，接下来最担心的是该死的期末考，之前都是靠混的我 真的死定了。

最近差不多都这样，嗯对，感言

今年啊，一开始是和朋友聚会一起倒数，那天我跟他分手了，还在举棋不定。后来开始教琴。还练瑜伽。后来又跟他扯上关系了，到越来越习惯，索性又复合了，名义上不是罢了。然后成绩公布，我人生可能的最后一次光荣时刻。哈哈。之前还开始学了拉丁舞，很不错的尝试。

嗯，接下来，到了成长时刻。发现他劈腿骗我，脚踏两条船。开始了很可怕的过渡期。真的，那时候真的是咬牙忍着泪熬过来的。每天都想他，该想不该想都想。以为从此不会和他再有任何瓜葛，没想到现在居然可以做到和颜悦色心平气和的跟他聊天。朋友说，我真的放下了。花了整整7个月，我释怀了，初恋。

时间在沉淀期和准备大学，厄对，忘了说年度大事，我朝思暮想的马大居然没录取我，这就算了，我被派到哪里？吉打州，听好哦，是稻米之乡鸟不生蛋的大学，现在的所在处，北大。UUM。哈哈，我差点撞墙死算了，我是说那时候。4个月前我开始了大学生活，成长了好多。认识了志同道合的扬老大，很棒的一个人，很young的伙伴，很追求完美的上司，很老的朋友。这些天的相处，我真的一言难尽。我的大学生活，目前是，外向，交朋友，遮瑕，跳舞，社交，上课，基本上就是这样。累了，明天还要去玩呢，再聊吧。晚安自己！

131124

现在好累、累到眼泪不停地流

真的，好希望有个人真心的问我好不好，撑不撑得下去，累不累，好好照顾自己。

可是没有。一个都没有。到处跟人打气嘱咐队员要照顾自己，其实是我最渴望听到别人这样对我说

131024

还是有点乱，不知道该把你放在什么位置，心情依然悬着，好久没有这样的感觉了，不过很美。

真的很奇妙，我们居然这样的一见如故，你说的，好像认识了10年的朋友，好个度日如年，哈哈。

目前还无法确定是什么感觉 不过在这之前 我们的关系 像现在也不错 很平衡 很自然 我喜欢的自然

131023

老是出现些自己都分不清的感觉 

要去闯 去经历 去和不同的人擦出各种火花 我现在想这样过我的大学生活

有时候很矛盾

想要停下来

又不想因为某个人耽误了自己向前冲的计划

好累啊 倦容

131012

＂我要结婚了。＂

不知道听的当下会是什么感觉

＂我替你开心。＂

很奇怪，很无奈

＂我会祝福你。＂

天大的谎言

新娘不是自己，祝福个屁

世事难料 人心难测

走到了这里 才发觉最初的单纯和不顾一切

原来那么珍贵

但都回不去了

就像当时，我还以为自己是幸福的。

无可否认，我的确很幸福过。

130926

I want to believe there's a good side of yours, I wish I'm inside your heart, the very core of your heart. I wish I'm different, I wish I'm the love of your life. 

I'm insane. Yet I feel sober. I miss you. Like crazy. I miss all the memories that we've shared. How I wish we would end up together. How about you? 

130923

There are certain types of people around us, they just aren't  born or designed to accounting. Simpan kira-Kira is not their destiny !

Yes I'm talking about myself. 

Sounds all cool didn't I ? Not really

Accounting. I can't help but think of him. Part of me shamelessly hoping that he's still by my side, teaching and guiding me, pointing out my mistakes, challenge me, mock me, and things that will never happen. Because the helplessness and unknowns are so familiar that hurts. I hate my soft side that always trigger the eagerness for him. But still, what's happened can't be undone. A hell lot of changes occur in everyone. In him. He's not coming back and I know it. Well, guys at here are different, kinda hard to understand. Definitely better. And I'm looking forward to every possibilities to be with the betters. 

Lastly, good night ! <3 

130922

Financial accounting 真的好难，根本就跟accounting不ngam从以前开始就这样了，tutorial 越来越难，朋友都不太会做，找不到人问的时候真的有很无助的感觉，希望有人会从天上掉下来然后走到自己前面说来教我。哎〜这里没人认识你，怎么会帮你勒？睬你都傻啦TT

TT欲哭无泪

130919

每逢佳节倍思亲，现在我懂了

中秋节，一个平时在家理都不理的节日，觉得提灯笼很幼稚玩蜡烛很懒，怎么现在眼眶湿了？

同病相怜的朋友一大堆，每个感叹着多想家多想回家，我却没从这种同病相怜里得到一些些的安慰。

脸书上一堆糊里糊涂的中秋祝语感言照片，中秋节快乐？快乐个屁

真想砸了手机

130914

Thanks for everything, seriously I'm so grateful right now. Thanks for everything that happened to me. DPP EON Yes! The day event , I guess I've found myself a concept. I like dancing, like to perform, everything just come true tonight, and it was not a dream. I still can recall vividly during the recognization to dance, obsession and totally smitten by dance moves. I remember the time I closed myself inside my room and keep dancing non-stop. I remember how hard I've been through to master the song Eat you up without any dance experience. I remember everything I did to practice, to learn,and feel contented even though there's no audience, just me. And tonight, finally there's them, UUM EON residents, they witnessed my hard work during these years. Perhaps this was something that meant to happen, our team get to perform the k pop and there's me and another k pop fan inside waiting to explode. Throw out everything that we've prepared in the last few years.

I've been waiting for years for my audience, and here they are, in UUM.

This is us. Group 12 group Teletubies !

My not-so-good-at-dancing and Crap-talking captain. Well, he's not bad, at least we're getting along very well during the event. And I got the BEST JUNiOR award. Hmmm actually I almost got the Miss EON award but its cool anyway. And lastly the Beats earphone-as-present 

thing totally surprised me! A busy day for me and I've never feel this kind of content since long time ago. 

130901

今晚好累 但还是坚持写下自己这份心情

经过了漫长颓废的8个月，明天正式迈向大学生活

最后一晚 躺在自己舒服到爆也乱到可怕的狗窝房间对着白色天花板午夜反省 

就连天花板都有点舍不得 我要离开家到很远的地方生活了！ 接下来要面对的，哈哈哈连想都不敢想

经过了

这也算成长吗？太多太多事 我又太过健忘 

靠 有时候感觉太深反而什么都写不出来

不想太过乐观太过正面 这样就不会又自己失望

之后也不知道有没有时间再写 

鸟不生蛋的地方的网速我还真的没指望很多

好好干吧 ！ 我知道你是兴奋的！

130829

真的变了 变好多 我应该不认识你了

希望我不要等到被你糟蹋后才清醒 再次受伤才真正放弃 

你在沉沦 堕落 没有意义的活着

也许你认为你是快乐的 那是因为你已经不知道自己真正要的是什么了

你在城市的孤单迷失了自己 我好想帮你 但我有那个能力吗

保护自己才是最重要 不能再接近你了

130827

还记得有一个半夜做了好可怕的噩梦，打电话给你想不到你真的接了。电话这头我说不出话，你在那头不停安慰我。我真的感觉到你在我身边。好久了，久到变成了一个只会在某一刹那跳出来的回忆。我怀念的是那种感觉，那个你。从什么时候开始你不接电话，晚了也不回简讯，原来是你多了个枕边人。身旁睡了另一个爱人，怎还想得到我？

我健忘，健忘到连你带来的痛苦都差点忘记，差点就原谅了你。我不会忘的，你的每一个假面，对我说过的骗话，你的伪善你的表情，你跟她的所作所为。

130825

最近变得好情绪化，敏感，烦躁，说话跟刺猬一样，不管得罪了多少人还是非常不爽，这样的自己好无助，我不知道到底有没有压力，压力从哪里来，就像自己的思想总是被歪曲，要离开了，担心很多，害怕更多，我知道这样很孬，我也不知道为什么那么没用，和朋友去玩了两天，回到现实，很讨厌。又到了睡前戴耳机的时候，听不到房里另一头的肉麻对话，更讨厌。好像越来越严重了，就连逛个街眼前卿卿我我的小俩口也在心里暗暗诅咒，我看不惯别人好，以前是，现在更严重了。我讨厌甜蜜的小俩口.

130822

今天发生了好多事

只想说 我真的很想保护妈妈 可是自己的能力真的好有限 希望她不再劳累生气 希望身边的人都看得到她的辛苦 都能尽力帮她减轻负担 我应该怎么做才能让你日子好过点 好像什么都做不到

就要离开家了 除了担心自己 还有担心家里的每个人 没人帮妈做家务会不会更累 没人照顾婆婆 阿公怎么办 

为什么我好像什么都不会 

130811

等待是很尴尬的时期 或上或下的心情 不知道应该安置在哪个位置 

其实没进到想要的大学 除了冤 就真的好像没什么 冥冥中似乎都安排好了 我应该远离那个让他改变的大城市 和我梦寐以求的城市生活

过得还可以 也有满足的时候 可是心里就是会有某个地方空空的 没人能填补的大洞 

听到姐一边兴致勃勃的和男朋友讨论旅行的期待 就觉得如果你还在就好了 如果从来没发生任何事 我现在会不会也和姐一样 那么幸福

每天都会想起一件曾经发生的事 我们的事 我会慢慢想 一定会把它想完 等到那天  我就释怀了 吧？

但是你知道吗 你好可怕 问我现在对你的感觉 ？ 我怕你 打从心底的害怕

130807

好久没打球咯 真的超级久 虽然是带着丢脸丢到家的勇气去献丑 不过自己表现得还不错啦 很累 脚很酸 之前练瑜伽的酸都还没好 所以就 爽！

昨天驾着小黄很热血地跑到酒店看学生考试 结果洒玩热血回到家的十字路口车子突然死火 好扯 黄兄就这样体力不支地昏在马路中央 我就这样推着黄兄到了路旁 

130804

妈妈说 我的世界很小 所以把事情看得很重 所以连伤害我的人我都舍不得放开

我才知道 自己的心会抽 会痛 是因为回忆和回忆里的人

原来让心隐隐作痛的 是那个曾经真心爱我的傻子 为了我做任何事 那么毫无顾忌那么强烈的爱我的人 还有还有

同样爱着你的 过去的自己

那么痴狂那么壮烈 

很喜欢那样的自己 那样的世界

130208

真的，你的自以为是和自命不凡的勇气到底是打哪儿偷来的？你觉得你厉害？你的世界除了拖泥带水，成事不足败事有余还真的什么都不剩了。你知道吗？我开始瞧不起你了。 你真的，好差劲。

再像现在这样活下去的话，你的未来真的会是一片黑暗

130801

心里空荡荡的 原来孤单真的不好受 习惯了另一个人的陪伴 就再也和孤单做不回朋友   

单身好啊 至少不用因为见不到就牵肠挂肚疑神疑鬼 至少不会故意迁就然后隐藏自己 至少不会三不五时大吵 担心的是两个人的事 光是应付不一样的个性磨合就减寿了多少年 一个人也很好啊 至少没人能伤害的了自己 因为心还是自己的 

朋友说 谈了恋爱就是把一把刀递给对方容许对方去伤害你 还蛮有道理的

现在的我 没有人能够伤害

感恩

130731

 凌晨了，我好累。玩了一整天，我知道我累了。这时候你出现了，扰乱了我，让我累也睡不着。我不是爱你的，不爱了，只是突然涌出来的回忆，压得我喘不过气，好辛苦。你知道吗 我的心还是会为你而痛，为你而气，为你失眠。好久没这样了。老是想起你，可能是因为孤单吧，身边少了能让我毫不顾忌的把一整天发生的所有事一一说出来的人，再小的事，再大的事，你爱听的和不爱听的。那天起我就告诉自己，其实一个人也很好，自由自在，无牵无挂，我真的总是告诉自己单身真的好，孤单不可怕。可是好像一点都不好，我的心没有依靠，没有一双耳朵细细的聆听我讲的所有事，我发现这个人真的很重要，我发现原来我是用这种方式记录生活的、就是怕自己会忘记，索性把所有东西告诉人。可是最近啊，我好像老是忘了自己究竟过了什么样的日子，马马虎虎，昏昏沉沉。

130615

My current addiction~~

Can't get enough of you Choi Si Won !

Technically I'm just obsessed to actor Siwon. We need good things in our life.

1 month anniversary

💔💔💔

Well well well you don't know me good enough to witness my inner turmoil. You definitely don't know me well enough to notice my commotion inside because of you. It's been a month. You tore my heart into pieces and crushed my peace living life. Rough month. I fought so hard to convince myself to let you go and stop the pathetic struggles. It's a lifelong lesson for me, to realise that trust too much kills me. My sarcastic words and insults to you just the way to build my walls. I don't believe a thing you uttered, I started making assumptions, I mocked you provoked you to no ends, I did those things to protect myself from returning to that silly girl who thinks you'll always love me. Hope the wound heals but it never does, because I'm in war with love.  

130519

You never are not good enough for me. It's me, I'm not good enough for you. Trust me, you deserve better.

我睡了好久，做了一场好长好长的梦，梦醒时分，被现实推到水里去了。我不断挣扎想要呼吸，但却一直往下沉。在慌乱无助之际，出现了一块向我漂来的浮木，于是我抓着它企图想活命。

130516

Thanks for telling me that. You make me forget about the past at that moment. And sorry can't help you.  I don't want anything for now. Just peace.

Scar

I wish my heart can listen to me.
I keep telling myself, you're just someone in the past,someone I need to let go.
I keep telling myself, I don't love you actually.No I don't love you at all.
I keep telling myself to forget about you,everything we had.
It's killing me, day by day, I want to move on, I really do.
It's been hard,and it's still do.
Part of me that used to love you,trust you,long for you,I had to force it to die. Buried along with our memories.
I feel hollow. A big and deep hole in my heart.

130514

I still can't stop thinking about you. The pain seems faded but the truth is I just feel numb. I hope this is going to a right way. I think of you I still do, but at least you've stay away from my dream. I feel hurt, but at least I've manage to feel things other than pain. Not only pain anymore. I feel cheated because you don't love me yet you still pretend to, but at least there's still many people care for me, actually love me within their heart.

Yea I'm definitely moving on. I still feel horrible sometimes, but at least I've found my smiles back. My stomach feel sick and my appetite gone by the thought of you, but at least I've eaten more now. I'm trying so hard to find back my old self. The one before I met you and love you. Without you my life will never complete. 

110509

昨夜总算还好没在夜半惊醒。今天又领悟了多一点，原来你真的不爱我了。现在回想，其实好多小细节都看得出来，你对我的只是需要，在你家人面前演戏的需要，我太天真太确信你不会不爱我，结果这样的愚蠢让我看不清。你已在悄悄的给了我信号，我不想想太多。 我现在才知道，真的，心好痛，痛到胃里去了，我没办法振作，要我怎么振作？最痛最痛的是原来你在很久之前就不爱我了。还有，我留不住你的心。

130508

The pain never stop. Never been through never know. Miserable. I'm naive and stupid, I still believe a part of you actually belongs to me, only me, a real and sincere chern Yan. Our every first time, every date every outing every fight, I know why you pick her over me. I know, I bet you compared her to me all the time. I'm always the worse I know. I can see why you love her, despite all the things we've been through together. I've lose. And the feelings never go away. You don't give a shit about me anymore, she's the only person that you think about now, I'm no more, I'm nothing to you. After what we've been through, no more, to you, we've nothing, this is nothing. Damn it. I'm so pathetic.

130507

You've forgot all the things we've been through, I mean all. Your love for me were so vulnerable, you choose the new one. Your better one. You're not my innocent chern Yan who were only love Wong Soo min because we were first love for each other. Not anymore. You've no idea how you tore my heart into pieces when you told me you pick her over me. You don't love me anymore. Our relationship more than 1 year can't beat your college crush, your supposed-to-be-mistake-from-beginning relationship. Hurts like hell you know. Your promises, your words, your gifts, carrying all our would-be-gone love, they were real. At least they once were. But the only thing I'm sure about, I didn't forget. I won't. You did but I don't. 

120428

I'm being totally emotional today. It's not like me at all. I don't wait, don't having expectations, don't keep checking phone,don't act a love sick puppy. Just currently, temporary, I told myself. Screw you jerk !

Changed

I've lost your trust. Afterall I was just some bitch to you. I thought you're ready, you'll always ready for me. But I'm the one being ridiculous and ungrateful. I had once, I held your trust, your confident,your almost everything. But I took things granted and totally wasn't aware. Things changed, people changed, everything happens for a reason. Your changes is part of my fault, mostly. It's not like a bad thing though, at least you've learnt how to protect yourself from getting hurt from a heartless bitch like me. I can't help myself. I deserve this.

130327

有些人就是怎么戒也戒不掉。
原以为终于走远了，迈向全新的生活，重新开始，走着走着其实是回到原点。
明知道行不通，接受不了，不能长远，可就是固执的硬要捉着不放。对你公平吗？这样拖着你却其实不能和你走向未来。

130318

The day :
I'm happy because finally I'm able to make the people I cared proud of me. My parents and family will brag like a boss in front of their friends. They won't feel ashamed of me. No more disappointment and despair, everything's going just too well. Me of course feel overwhelmed, joy, unbelievable, unreal, and relief. I'm glad because my parents were happy because of me, this is the best present for me. I won't forget what happened today, like a miracle, thank you.

130317

Hmmmmm tick tok tick tok a few hours left...still freaking out...bothering...my unstoppable nervousness and worries...another sleepless night I guess...everything will coming to the end when the sun rise again.

130315

Well, the clocking is ticking, time is taking an Allegretto speed, Monday is coming.
I've imagine every possibilities for things to happen in the day. Yes it has become The Day for me. I told myself I should expect the worse , I don't want to end up like some losers who just can't accept their failure and disappointment. Tha day is getting closer and I'm getting all stress up. Seriously I've been counting down the second I opened my eyes every morning, I've been counting down for like every hours, I managed to find myself some distractions and they just didn't work out well. I keep telling myself, no matter what happened, whoever becomes the winner, don't be jealous because that wasn't mine at the first place, it's for them who hard works paid, it's for the people who deserves it.

130313

等啊〜等啊〜一等再等
过了一天是一天，感觉就像囚犯对判死刑的等待，不安猜疑，等待时间对了即将降临在自己身上的未知数，是被处死还是被释放重获自由，白天想晚上梦，学会把自己的情绪管得很妥当，不能太贪心的希望，不能太多的绝望，或许背负了太多期望，惶恐焦急却又度日如年。

130307

放手吧，没戏唱了。
我很想对着现实呐喊，与他争辩，尽管他是无可被否定的。我还是做不到让自己的情感变得坚强点，真的，我没那么脆弱，我不是一击即垮的人，只是我选择了成为那种人。其实都是选择的，潜意识里我选择让自己去相信不真实，保护自己对这世界的期望，让自己少受点伤。但是总要看清。今晚我看见了，听见了，感觉到了，这样的现实，那样的强烈那样的响亮。他告诉我收起对人的依赖，毕竟他不会无条件接受你的一切，他没有责任也没有义务去对你好，他想嫌你时就嫌你，想翻脸就翻，想骂就骂，想不理就不理。当下好气自己。也许应该回到像以前那样，活的谨慎一点，对人别太放松，因为没有人会无条件爱你。或许睡了一觉我又忘了这种警惕，不过临睡时分我想我是清醒的

130222

I don't feel good now,not at all,emotionally vulnerable, mood swing and swing.
Maybe what I needed the most now is someone,companion and compliment.I guess I was being ridiculously unreasonable in certain things, I just feel tired and emo. Just hope things will work out sometimes, and don't tell me that I had overestimate myself and ability. I need courage and confident. Don't force nor hope everyone to understand what you feel, because its not like they actually gone through the same damn thing. Despair and disappointed tonight.

130103

No matter how much i wish,things are just different now. I feel bad for what i've did,i feel frustrated because i don't even understand myself and let emotions take control,like always,i feel angry too,i know i have no right to feel that but i still do.
How much time do i need to realize that you are not the same anymore, you are not care for me anymore even if i'm dead . Great , i don't know until where did you changed,after what happened today, when you are done swearing and yelling and throwing rude words towards me, i knew that,we will not be the same anymore.So this is the price i need to pay.